[The Speed of that Man]

Yes it's back. Time to start using the site again.

Boo-tilicious

Army 1 - 0 Heroes

The annual hockey pitch antics got underway on Sunday night with a hard fought, but fully deserved 1-0 win for the Army.

The hero of the hour was Boo, who extended upon a solid defensive performance in driving home past the otherwise excellent Johnno, with less than 5 minutes to play.

The teams lined out in a not dissimilar fashion to last year's early-season guises, with Rock and Johnno enjoying the company of Rooney, Hoss, Yabba, Skins, Aidy, Diddly and JK. They also had Figo, or what remains of him anyway.

Trout and Cheeks paired themselves up with CB, Sloth, Wobbs, Boo, Mixer, Bopper, Mootang and Mixer. The misfortune of having Mac was also bestowed on the Army, but in fairness he made a fine goal-line clearance at one stage. Certainly, the numeric advantage he provided was, for once, useful.

Anyway, all those bodies put space at a premium, and as a result pace really wasn't a factor at all. Movements tended to push centrally, where Army enjoyed the luxury of having more or less four full-time defenders, while there was at least three permanently on hand at the other end.

More pertinently, in the shape of Sloth and Mootang, the Army had the two most composed midfielders on show. Hence they dominated possession, and created the greater number of chances. Wee Bopper and big Mixer did their even best to miss every single last of them though, and one miss from Smith must go down in the annals of hockey pitch history as the worst ever. The goalkeeper was missing in action, Bopper was less than one foot out, unmarked, and with the ball at his feet. To be honest the result wasn't surprising, but it was shocking, if you get what I mean.

This has to be said about Smith though. His unwillingness to chase back actually works to his team's advantage tremendously. Last year, when playing for the Heroes, his continued prominence around the penalty box provided a great outlet for one-twos with his midfield - and diddly and Figo scored a bag full as a result. Last night, the Heroes didn't have that option. Two or three men tried to be as lazy at the Army end as Bopper was at the other, but it's just not a natural role for anyone who is half fit.

Another key factor in their win was a fine triple save from Chico. But in fairness, if the Heroes had have pinched a goal it would have been unjust. In the end they were left (well, CPJ was anyway) screaming about some innocuous handball incident that may or not have been in the penalty area. I guess Rock kind of knew that with the way his attacking unit were playing, a set-piece was their only hope of scoring.

If i'm wrong, I would ask why they spent the last 20 minutes of proceedings kicking high balls on top of five-foot-one-and-three-quarter Yabba.

Best for Heroes were all in their defence - Rooney, Rock, Hoss and Johnno. Skins was fair enough too. The rest were anonymous.

Best for Army were Sloth, Boo, CB, Mootang. Trout was as sharp as he has been for a few years on an Pairc Haca. Every one of them earned their stripes though.

[the rock]

Before Wobbs does his report on last night's game let me just congratulate all on turning up and trying hard and while its great to see the hockey pitch back in action, there are a few problems that need sorting.

Problem the first-Mixer and agent Smyth, I just want them taken out next week for their unsportsmanlike behaviour. Foul them,spit at them if you like because its the sort of acts that they seem to promote.

Problem the second-common sense has always prevailed every Sunday night we have played so far-Last night it seemed to be whoever shouted loudest got their way(enter mixer and smith). Let me give you an example-Mixer committed a foul outside the box. Free kick Heroes-althogh there is no benefit to getting a free kick as3 army stood within inches of said kick. Later I committed a foul on Smith(Who cd blame me?) and then amyites started complaining as we did the same-ie. smoother the free kick. Surely everyone will catch on as I did (faster than everyone else)that its ok to give away a free at the min bec the consequences are nil. Surely 5yard limit should be in play?

Problem the third-The goal came from a throw that should have been ours.

Problem the fourth-Admitting it wasnt a penalty, we had still time to take a free kick before the whistle blew(which it never did) and prob the worst act of all last night was Mixer kicking the ball away before we cd take our free kick-Imean is that the level that you have stooped to mixer?

Having said all that, when we score against the army-I want everyone to jump and scream in the faces of Trout,Mixer and smith for their behaviour. They are scum-let's start treatint them like that.
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An bhfuil tusa ag labhairt liomsa?

[the rock]

For once I have to say that was a little bit biased Wobbs-I def think that we had at least as many clear cut chances of scoring as you did. Yabba and DmacC could have scored a couple each. Did we play as expansive or as slick a game as you?no but we still eeked out a few decent chances that on another day cd have won it for us.
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An bhfuil tusa ag labhairt liomsa?

[Jonno]

So who is going to have a go now? The board has been lacking the acid tong of Hollo and Smith as of late.

Any way I am not going to start the report but will easily choose Diddly as my MOTM. Great performance.

Jonno

[The Speed of that Man]

Week 2: Army 2 - 4 Heroes

The second week of hockey pitch action was something of a strange affair.

Army started much the stronger side and were two up - through Trout and CB - before half time, but one by one, a series of strange events all played into the hands of the Heroes, and in truth their win was ultimately a deserved one.

The first of those events was innocuous, simply a change in direction - with the now 90 minute time slot lending itself to the changing of ends, halftime if you like.

But this changearound did lead to a more telling event, the departure of Mac Attack, in the mist of a steadfast refusal that nobody told him we were playing for an extra half hour, when the truth is that he wasn't allowed out of the house for any longer.

With legs tiring and a numeric disadvantage to contend with, the Army were then sent on an emotional rollercoaster. Due to the sub-zero conditions, Hockey Pitch staff abandonded the game, with the score still 2-0 in their favour. Five minutes of a good old hart-to-heart later, things were back on. Re-ascending from their cars, the Army's glow of victory was rapidly dissappating.

And so it happened, led by the outstanding Diddly, Heroes didn't just come back from the dead, they took the rest of the dead with them.

The big yokel was good for 3 goals during that last 20 minutes or so, and he no doubt had a hand in the other one as well, but to be honest I just can't remember. Heroes could well have had another 5 in the net, except Yabba was playing for them and as sure as Mixer asks for extra coleslaw, Yabba finds a way to mess things up in front of goal.

Meanwhile, the Army lost all remnants of a shape. Flu-ridden Wobbler (gotta love an excuse) might as well have pulled up as played out the last quarter, but more disappointing was the way the Brothers Barry were forced out of midfield. Trout's decision to play as a sweeper, when his team already had 3 or 4 out-and-out defenders, was baffling. Army's 65 year old forward line badly needed more support from the middle.

And yes, it would be be rude of me not to point out Trout's "bookies-have-frozen-the-betting" style involvement in 2 of Heroes' goals.

Boo put in a fairly decent hour, but Sloth was head and shoulders above his teammates on the night.

Heroes all had a solid hour's outing and it would be wrong to pick out any of them aside from Diddly as being a cut above. The long fella got his plaudits above, yet is should be repeated that he was the single biggest reason for this scoreline. The big question though is, can he do it when Mighty Mouse Mootang is around?

[Jonno]

Good honest report Wobbs. Have to say Mac leaving was a massive turning point. It just goes to show when the game can open up how the Heroes rise. I would say the slow cramped style as of late would eb in the Army's favour as they are not the most positive nor are they the fittest of the two teams.

Questions have to be asked of Smith. Shocking. And Trout when AWOL in the last 20

My humble 2 euros

Jonny

[Jonno]

No report was it really that bad?

[The Speed of that Man]

Army 4 - 6 Heroes

In a game that was more remarkable for the low standard of play than anything else, the Heroes pulled away in the closing stages to post another deserved victory. Such was the abject nature of the Army's performance, it only came down to that final quarter as a result of half-a-dozen fine saves from Chico Jnr (Joe Murf). Mac was easily Army's best performer, so no further explanation is really necessary there.

There were bright moments of play; Wobbly's low first-time shot produced probably the best goal of the season thus far, momentarily anyway, as Skinner's late volley was something better again. Heroes' midfield also performed well and linked together nicely - especially as the game progressed, albeit against an Army engine room missing both Moo-Tang and Sloth.

But the passing on display was generally horrible and the shooting was generally worse. For the art of defending in this game, a couple of crayons would have sufficed.

Army's other goalscorers were Rooney (O.G.), CB and Joey. I can't remember exactly, but I reckon Heroes had 6 individual scorers (JK, Yabba, Didds, Figo, Skinner and Aidy) - which, if right, is a fairly impressive feat.

Looking ahead, the Moo-Tang problem has to be resolved. He is about as reliable as Johnno under a high-ball, but the midfield imbalance between the sides when he is missing is enormous. Pressure needs to be applied.

Other things of note. It was a hugely changed Army team, with a number of new faces. Agent Smith popped up in the Army defence for 20 minutes and did sterling work in his natural position, before fitness took its toll. The Brothers Barry shows no sign of getting fitter. Cheating is on the up. Kevy Carroll is bound to still be sore from his sliding tackle antics. Having Wee Hughesey was like having two Trouts, enough said. Aidy didn't lose any footballs, possibly for the first time. Yabba's goals to shots ratio is somehow still managing to slide. Keenan is still a statue. I have the worst touch anyone has ever seen on the hockey pitch.

In a last bit of news, Figo actually texted me looking for a man-of-the-match award. Can you believe that? His cousin Hoss was among at least 7 more impressive performers.

[Jonno]

Absolute joke! Hoss for MOTM all day. He was solid as the rock on a good day. As for your wonder goal I have to say I thought it was going wide and let it go in. So it would be harsh on the history and greats that has graced the sandy dune that is the Hockey Pitch to call it a great. But totaly right on the high ball. Made it bit more exciting though.

Bring back cheeks!!!!

[figo]

Wobbs it cant be denied I was like Torres out there.
Control, flicks, tricks, and goals were all on display.
Only for Joe in nets it would have been a land slide.
It was embarassing towards the end.
Nuff said more damage to come sunday.
Sort your team out Trout.

[the rock]

First of all let me apologise to my fellow Heoes-my performance was not good enough. Too many missed passes and shots-not through lack of effort you understand bec I honestly ran more last Sunday than any other match previous.So I gotta look deep within myself and have2admit that my strengths lie not in attack but in defence. I will enevour to stay back from now on in. There is no way Coli B would have scored a hatrick if I was back. By the James k needs to discipline himself-if I go forward then he has to sit.

Second of all the gauntlet really has been thrown down by the Army. They are a bunch of crying babogs. Mac just stopped the game when Matt outmuscled him. We spoke of this earlier in the season and I thought that honesty would prevail but there was more arguments than ever last night. It can become a farce very quickly if we dont stop this sht. Speaking of sht-how many chances did Matt and Yabba miss?And how many times did Rob Quinn hit the post? Why has the Agent not been dropped?I mean what role does he have?He is useless and I hate his obese face.

Thirdly how good was it to have so much space? How good was Brendy Hoss?Man of the series so far in my view. Also I think Johnno was brilliant last night, saving our bacon a few times more than I would like. Also Skinner sprayed the ball around well(usually for me or Matt to mess up). On the Army side I thought Wobbs dispossessed alot of our guys-touche. Also Moutang and Sloth were very good. Trout got nutmegged by Johnno-nuf said.

Finally I am fckd off with boys letting us down bec they had a few too many drinks the night before. Sort it out boys
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An bhfuil tusa ag labhairt liomsa?

[The Speed of that Man]

Sunday night's hangoverfest was played mostly at a snail's pace, but nonetheless was an enjoyable affair, with four-timers from CB and Ming contributing heavily the 6-6 end result.

With players pulling out all day long, it ended up in a nice, open 8-a-side affair, and even then only down to Ming's late call-up for the Heroes, his first appearance of the season. It's not overstating it to suggest that without the veteran poacher, this wouldn't have been much of a contest. It's also probably not overstating it to say that if Wobbly, then Mac, had have done the conventional thing of marking him, instead of the unusual thing of passing the ball to him unmarked, then it wouldn't have been much a contest either.

For, over the hour and a half of football, Chico maybe only had two other saves to make.

Yet amazingly, the Army never once held the lead in the match. When Johnno wasn't found cleaning Trout's clock, he was found pulling off a string of fine saves. And on those occasions when he wasn't able to produce a save, the woodwork invariably came to his rescue.

Of course, the return of Moo-Tang shouldn't be understated for the Army, providing the drive and energy for 90 minutes so often missing in recent weeks, but if Johnno had one nemisis on the night, it was a certain CB, on a mission never to play defence again. It would be wrong to suggest that everything he touched turned to gold - as let's be honest, it's CB we're talking about here - but four goals of his own is a pretty impressive return, and something nothing short of unimaginable from the man he swapped positions with on the night, Agent.

In fairness the switch worked well defensively too, with Smith putting in a decent hour, even humiliating Skinner on a number of occasions with flicks and twists, the type of which we thought were doomed to distant memories from the man.

All of this was in direct contrast to the Heroes' key switch, which saw a certain Rock like object swept away in the whirlpool of midfield.

Regarding Hartpump's comments on the Hoss, well due to two despicable attempts at cheating, when he refused to even take his teammate's advice that he was very, very wrong, the only accolades he deserves are of the disreputable type. It was his very actions that encourage people to appeal for everything.

Roll on the Christmas Cup next week. It's probably too much to ask for everyone to turn up sober, but it would be good if everyone could at least turn up.